Photo: Callum Shaw (Unsplash)

We’re in the middle of a pandemic and my non-committal stance on relationships really came back to bite me in the ass. And since I don’t have to commute and, for some reason, am expected to be more productive, I’d like to talk about masturbation.

When it comes to sex and sex-adjacent activities, I believe in exploring every possible way to make it better. If you’re still jerkin’ it like the founding fathers, you’re missing out on an entire world of pleasure.

Self-love is one of the few small joys available to us in this time of uncertainty and fear. I, for one, think this is a perfect opportunity to explore that side of yourself.

Here, I’ll spotlight two products, which can be a helpful introduction in improved self-fives. As I always say (or at least for the purposes of this post,) “yank ‘em if you got ‘em.”

Tenga Egg

These egg-shaped toys are fucking ridiculous. A cute girl gave me one of these, told me to ‘think of her,’ and the results were mind-breakingly amazing. Of course, I tore mine to shreds since they’re only supposed to last for a few sessions but that’s neither here nor there.

It’s hard to describe how big a difference these little eggs make without being called into HR. I imagine it’s like the difference between a hot dog on a piece of stale white bread and a dog served with a fresh pretzel bun.

To be honest, it took me close to a year to purchase another one … because of my own weird shame. But I can honestly say, I didn’t regret it one bit. It’s a more compact and more affordable version of a Fleshlight that’s also a lot less embarrassing to own.

There are a few different varieties, including Clicker, Silky, Stepper, and Twister. Of course, you can pick up a half-dozen tray for $26, but I’d suggest picking one to test before committing to more than you need.


Every guy should own lubricant, this is a hill I’m prepared to die on. Whether it’s for himself or to use with a partner, it’s an important to have a little … just in case.

I, for one, use a bottle of Dame’s Alu water-based lube. And, yes, it’s super fancy. It’s made with aloe, mushroom, hemp, green tea, and a whole bunch of other cool ingredients. The best part? It’s safe for solo play and during intercourse.

When used in tandem with the Tenga egg, I was seriously scared I would never need to go on dates again. A little sad, I know. But the experience is that intense.

Of course, there are a ton of lubricants out there in the wild. And if you have a partner, I’d suggest asking them if they have a preference.

(Better still, did you know Bellesa Boutique is having a sale?)


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